this is another attempt at a weblog. i’m having a very emo night, and have not blogged for months. i thought maybe releasing my thoughts to strangers and people who might seem to care may help to relieve me..

i still have dreams about her, my grandma. it would be so strange, just to see her there, but it would always feel so comforting.. i would wake up, i wouldn’t feel any sadness or sorrow, i feel a bit happier. i see her face, animated and talking to me, and feel like she’s still a part of me, still around.

however, last night was probably the worst night. i can’t remember what happened in the dream, but i know she was there. she was there, and something bad was about to happen to her, and i tried everything i could to warn her, to stop it, it’s just a horrible feeling. knowing you could have done something to protect a loved one… i remember sobbing, being half awake, half asleep and dreaming, and sobbing.

death is never easy.

i think about her often, especially when i’m doing things she would do daily. things i never did often when i lived with her, such as cooking or cleaning. i almost felt like she was there with me, helping me. i cook off the top of my head, but i try to remember things she would do as i observed her several times. cleaning and bending over to pick up things, she would be there with me, constantly. i don’t know if it’s normal, if i have some sort of problem.. but it doesn’t really make me sad, not at all. the thoughts are comforting.

sometimes i would mention her while talking to my friends like, ‘oh yeah my grandma did that…or this, she said it would…’ i wonder if that makes them uncomfortable. i still talk about her as if she were still alive, still around. it doesn’t bother me at all..

i just miss her. i miss her so much.